Best 35 John Mulaney Quotes and Jokes on Life

Famous actor and stand-up comedian, John Edmund Mulaney is also a writer and producer in the United States. He matured into a top professional in his field. His Saturday Night Live writing skills are well-praised by fans. Together with his acting career, he is also well-known for his stand-up comedy.

The quotes and jokes of John Mulaney are among the funniest you will ever read. Though it’s assumed that, by virtue of his profession, he’ll be humorous, he manages to pull off the jokes brilliantly anyhow. If you’re having a boring day, cheer yourself up with some John Mulaney jokes and memes. His sayings are always spot-on.

Awesome John Mulaney Quotes on Life

College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?
The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, was Stranger Danger. The hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies.
Anyone who’s seen my d*** and met my parents need to die; I can’t have them roaming around.
I’m standing in the basement and I’m holding a red cup, you’ve seen movies. And I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to blackout and I guess someone said like something police. And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled “F* da police!” And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk white children yelling f* da police.
In their letter, they were like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.’ I was like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you housed and taught me.
I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.
We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.
“I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.”
I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word midget because it was ‘worse than the n-word.’ First off…no, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.
I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to read Jane Austen, and then I didn’t.
Donald Trump’s not good at running for president. He’s just good at Family Feud. So, when the Steve Harvey of this election is like, ‘Name something that is bothering Americans!’ And Ted Cruz is like, ‘Benghazi!’ WRONG! Then Trump is like, ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer on the board.
I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it gets pretty close. You have to be funny – but for everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.
“I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”
“Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”
“My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious.”
I don’t look older, I just look worse.
It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.
I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.
If someone had written a review saying, ”Oh, Hello’ is stupid,’ we would have said, ‘Yeah, it is. You’re absolutely right.’ That people liked it was extremely cool.
Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.
My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.

John Mulaney Funny Quotes

We’ve been pretty hot and heavy lately. I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.
Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.
All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe seventy-five times. I still don’t understand it. Read more:
I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.
If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.
It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.
You have your law practice, and me, I have all these f*cking markers.
When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.
For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.
Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.
I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when your Gram would be like, ‘We’d all go to play jacks by the side fountain.’ And you’re like, ‘Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot’.
I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.
Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase c*caine?’